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March 21, 2016

Chapter One


Love ,loss, passion , pleasure and pain.

Five words that carry so much weight … Physically , mentally and emotionally. I have yet to meet anyone who hasn’t experienced what I just mentioned.

The love I have for Brent is cosmic ,supernatural, and strong. It has endured loss ,passion, pleasure and pain in all forms . We are the ones who made through … But we had to fight to get where we are.

I’ve seen him break down as in completely lose it, cry  in the middle of the night, soothed him when he had a nightmare,talked until he fell peacefully asleep and  been there for him when he needed me.

He had also done the same for me in more ways than one.
We’ve seen each other through a lot. All I am is thankful for him and our son.

There were   moments in my life when I felt the five words I just mentioned… 
Love is all around us;  cliché I know but when you are saturated by the feeling its hard not to notice.
For example; when I fell in love with Brent it totally took me by surprise. I didn’t expect to fall so hard and so fast.

I had seen him a couple of times at functions and parties but didn’t pay attention not at all. We ran on the same trail “occasionally”and I would just wave hi , smile and run along in the opposite direction ,didn’t notice it then but just seeing him made my day that much more extra special. I hadn’t racked the courage to tell him that ; I think I like you . They say that that kind of stuff should happen naturally … Loving someone comes naturally ,but when you discover you have fallen for someone everything and I mean everything changes. 
There is a reason why we named our son Andrew .

Andrea was the reason. That angel changed the way I used to see the world . She also made me see Brent in a different light.
Brent is a strong guy physically and he takes great care of himself.   Emotionally he is a softie. 

Katherine and I had lived together while I was busy with my Business Communication studies ,she did public relations.
We were friends and she had a boyfriend who was in Med school at that time. She had mentioned that she wanted me to meet someone who she thought was the coolest and we’d hit it off .She had told me that he was a Sports Med student and he was really a genuinely nice guy.

Having walked through hell in  my previous relationship, I had totally given up on love. As in; I’m okay , I’m totally going to have fun who cares about feelings anymore …

When dinner happened I thought it was going to be only four people but it turned out to be five. Turned out Mr Hotshot had a date which left me as the odd one out .
Kat led me to believe that  she  wanted me to give this guy a shot. I knew that my fear of getting hurt again had to be overcome. I had nurtured the fear for far too long.

The door bell rang and I answered only to find the most adorable little green eyed girl with a white benie, pink dress and white boots. Oh and the bag was pink too. I knelt down to face her, she was so tiny compared to most six year old kids. She was looking all sorts of sad  .  

“Hey angel . My name is Clara. What’s wrong?”
She looked upset and without saying a word she hugged my neck,cried and wouldn’t let go.

“Would you be my uncle’s girlfriend. See I don’t have very long and you’re perfect for him. ”
I picked her up and went to the kitchen on our way she said hi to Kat. I warmed up some milk then turned to her she looked determined to execute her mission. 

” So angel what flavor cookies do you want so we can talk about what you just said .”

“Well my name is Andrea , may I please have the ones with the jam and cream .”
I took out the cookies set them on a plate and we sat opposite each other.

“Its a pleasure to meet you Andrea.” I stretched my hand out and she smiled and gave me another hug again

” Clara I’ve seen your picture on uncle Brents’ tablet. It has you uncle Tims and aunt Kat. I asked him why he likes it and he told me he really likes you a lot. He is just afraid and I don’t know why.”
I smiled at her and blushed a little. 

” Okay sugar … So what are you proposing.”
She sat on my lap and put her head on my chest and instinctively I cradled her in my arms .

“I can hear your heartbeat … I’m suggesting you take him as he is … Cause he is a mess emotionally but means well. He hasn’t brought anyone home or gone for a date in a while. He told me he was looking for someone special and you might be it. I feel like I’m the reason he hasn’t dated in a while”
Speechless;  I rubbed her back in a cirular motion and kissed the top of her head, she still had her head on my chest. My heart rate slowed down.

“Hey Angel don’t blame yourself. I’m sure he has his reasons.”

“I don’t warm up to people very easily . I feel like I’ve known you cause he talks about you. I’m sorry if I’m intruding. ”

“Not at all butter cup. ”
Andrea laughed and lifted her head and looked at me. She seemed genuinely happy . Her green eyes beamed with joy.

“Ha ha you just called me buttercup.Mommy used to call me that before she, daddy and Brendan went to the angels .”
She put her head back on my chest and started to sob. ”
I came to the realization that Brent had been through tragedy and was also going through something. I thought everything was cut and dried before Andrea walked in . I was going to tell everyone I had to go out I forgot something at the gym they should enjoy dinner but I was so wrong.

“Well I’m sure all three are watching you from above angel.”

“Clara do you believe that God hears our prayers?”

“Yes angel even the ones we say in silent.”

” Does he answer them ?”
” Aha he does …  Grown ups aren’t as patient as children are though…”
Andrea went lax in my arms as panicked and as antsy as she was when rang the bell she was now at ease and relaxed.

” I’m going to join them soon. I just didn’t want uncle Brent and Mima to be all lonely when I’m gone .”

“What do you mean sweets?”
Her grip around my waist slightly tightened

” I have an illness and I don’t have very long. Uncle Brent and his girlfriend were going to get married . She went all mean on me and blamed me for spoiling everything. I didn’t understand but I know now. ”
I continued to sooth her …

” Hush its not your fault angel.You are an amazing ,strong and brave girl. I would really love to hang out with you and your uncle Brent. If that’s okay with you.”

Sleepy and almost at the brink of never land she replied .

” Even if I’ve known you for a short time. Well minus the times I’ve seen you at mass with uncle Brent…I love being around you. You are going to make a great mommy one day.”

The moment she drifted into sleep . I followed short after . Little did I know that Kat was secretly recording our conversation on her phone .

Dinner didn’t go as planned . When Brent and Tim arrived they were both worried about Andrea. She had snuck off when they were shopping for desert. When Kat explained what was going on . Brent decided to spend the night and let Andrea be . They had a bit of a disagreement in the morning and she was mad at him but somehow I changed Andreas’ mood.

For the following months were both educational and joyful . Brent and I started going out as friends and I grew fond of Andrea . It had already been six months and she was doing better health wise.

One rainy morning. Andrea was in my  room fast asleep. We had all had dinner at Brent’s house and he knew how to cook a great meal and entertain.
I had gotten up to go jogging while everyone or so I thought was asleep. Brent woke up and did same he was fifteen minuets behind me . I had taken the longer rout and before I knew it I was lost . Totally and utterly lost in the forest.

I don’t know what it is about getting lost that puts things into perspective… But on that morning I cried and cried about everything.  Mostly about Andrea and weirdly enough about Brent . I had made a conscious decision that I was going to tell him that I like him a lot and it hadn’t dawned on me until four weeks ago. I had forgotten my phone and watch in my bag so there was no way to get in contact with anyone

Once my crying session was over I turned around and accidentally tripped over a branch.I rolled down hit my knee on something hard and for the first time in a long time my lungs and body hurt. More specifically my knee and shin.  I expected to fall on my face hard but I was caught by very strong hands. Call it being so pumped up with adrenaline or being overwhelmed I passed out .
The last thing I remembered were a pair of dark blue eyes filled with fear… When I finally came around I first heard Timothy’s voice then Brent’s.

“She’s coming around thank God. I was so worried…  Tim she just passed out. I’m sorry if I disturbed you and Kat okay. Its just that I don’t know what would have happened if I wasn’t there .”

“Gee I wonder mate . Look tell her how you feel would you. I am getting sick and tired of you talking about Clara day in and day out . Ask her out already . Andrea loves her , you are clearly head over heels .”    

Brent was busy brushing my forehead .

” She’s injured. I can’t exactly say . Oh Clara I’ve liked you for a while now and I don’t have the guts to tell you how I feel. How I’ve always felt. Even when I’m working at the hospital all I can think of is you. Its really rare that my niece likes someone. She genuinely loves you actually which is a bonus. I’m not asking for much but will you go out with me…?  ”

It took me a tad bit too long to realize what was going on… I was listening in on guy talk by default…
My head was on Brent’s lap and I was in pain . I tried to move but my leg was sore . It felt like fire and my knee felt warm wet. I had heard his speech and I opened my eyes wiggled a bit and he noticed I was fully awake.  We locked eyes and I spoke with my raspy voice.

“The answer is yes … I don’t bite and I feel the same.Baby steps… ”
He leaned down to kiss my forehead .Then looked at me.

” Baby steps babe.”

That yes felt right;  there were a couple more yes’s after that… Yes I’ll be your friend, Yes I’ll be your girlfriend, yes I will and yes I do .

Andrea saw us grow through our relationship. The ups, the downs,  and what we hadn’t anticipated a year into our marriage, when I didn’t know I was pregnant with Andrew cause I felt fine. Andrea succumbing to her illness. I cried so hard cause they said she was doing better ,but then she was gone . I didn’t understand. To this day I feel like it was cruel and unfair…  But all things work for the glory of God and his people. He had a reason and I should accept and trust the process . 

Naturally Brent turned to me and his grandmother.
I unfortunately had to go on assignment but I kept in contact with him. Skype, phone calls and texts. When I arrived home I felt weird and I had gained weight. I passed out,out of the blue.

That’s when we both found out I was 9 weeks.   pregnant.
At first he blew a fuse. He was livid at me. Mainly because there was radio silence for three days and he thought something sinister had happened to me and all of his calls went to voice mail.  He was afraid that he was going to lose  me after he lost Andrea. We had no reception on location.
He couldn’t fathom the thought of losing me.It would kill him . It was evident in his behavior.

The following weeks were painful for both of us…  They say the first year of marriage should be easy but  it wasn’t . It was at that point in my life  when I started doubting the love I trusted …

Fast forward to now . I feel all heavy headed. They say your life flashes right before your eyes… But why didn’t it why did I have to go back to that specific memory…

© #KCMmuoe💠

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